// and i wanna believe you
when you tell me that it'll be okay
yea i try to believe you
but i cant.

k i nda pee badly
so i shall make ths quick
i did part of my lit essay! really couldnt make myself resume writing la.
anw lessons today sucked. it was the worst. and to think tht we end the earliest tdy. tmrw will be hell ): esp now tht my impetus to stay awake during lectures has dissipated..haha oh well. -looks at ele. ps// it'll be okay :)

anw. erm amanda and jolene suddenly has similar haircuts to mine, i have no idea why. we look erm really strange. but well. and hwing you are such a slacker i cannot stand it. bad influence! GLARES. hahah.

DADADA ths is a major shoutout for you. i love you a whole lot! no words can be used to describe ths in an eloquent manner. but im sure yknw. and i knw. haha -winks. im SO glad i have you in cj. REALLY. a lot has changed..for better or for worse, i realise some things dont matter anymore. and im jst really glad you were always there for me. i wanna hold your hand!!

and tings! will you be my valentine pls -super sad pout. i sppose youre busy..and with the timezone differences and all. missing you perpetually. till all my hair turn frizzy. will still be missing you :( im sad! rply my mail k? got stuff to tell you..and rmb to leave your add!! rmb!!

steph NO YOU DIDNT!! hahah. ok sunday then..then the sa funfair thing how? pls, my vday will be even more depressing. will update you asap. im beyond depressed. i think im getting lunatic soon.. ): no you cannot do tht, you should be my valentine!!!!!!!! yknw cj ask us to donate blood on vday. and in case of Rejection for tht blood donation we shld kp ourselves fit or smth. ha ha. nt funny. oh i jst rmb i cnt donate! under 45kg cannot donate. whew. freaking needles will get me screaming. MISS YOU. a lot.

//he was a boy
she was a girl.
she was not good enough
for him.

my comp's seriously screwed. can connect but cant log in to msn / use internet explorer so..its really useless. at erm angel's house doing econs proj nw. an econs test exists tmrw bt i seriously hv no idea wht its about so good luck to me..really lethargic and worn out now. oh yea towned ystd ; watched seed of chucky..stupid lame show pls do not watch it..its like a comedy. this sequel doesnt live up to the previous ones la. just realised that hannah frm sclub7 is in it. shes so pretty! but she was burnt to death. and i got a skirt too, yayy. then talked and talked for hours in ths istana park place. hahah im so suaku i didnt knw it existed (though i walked past it aplenty.) and the .. lovely ambience it carries. hahah bt yea ws momentarily happy. for the day. when i woke up today everything ws like, a different story..im depressed over nothing. -looks at ele.
will someone understand please.

steph i miss you too. a lot :( vday / sq's bday?

//i dont want to see your face anymore..!

today was..a myraid of emotions.
k, whatever.
was upset over very retarded things but i couldnt help it :|
anw thanks da for all the stuff you said..lovee! and two thirds of the Whats (jo, mand) hahah. for being so lame+bitchy and making me laugh like hell on msn. i hpe tmrw will be okay :(
and eleyy, pls cheer up! update tmrw!

my printer is screwed..its gripping tightly to 3 pieces of paper stuck together i dnt knw what for. i jst left it alone to print while i went to pee..yikes. its really pathetic nw.

anw i found out that people White on the surface are really Black underneath. rolls eyes. stp PRETENDING to flutter your wings around la. pissing us off. this calls for desperate measures to be taken into consideration during bitching session tmrw. argh.

and i dont want the world to see me
cos i dont think that they'd understand
when everything's meant to be broken
i just want you to know who i am

i try nt to compare the responses i get from you..
but im glad im at least recieving some :) though i still feel upset, yknow i love you more than anything.

anw anw pe tdy ws grr..did some leg straining exercise tht almost killed me. looked so simple yet akdidjsg!! and i fell on my ass while doing tht back tracking or whtever shit thing! yikes. so nw i nda sit on cushioned seats or it'd hurt. alr hv like, 6 blue blacks (and counting) on my legs and nw on my ass la. sheesh. im so accident prone. :|

feeling v stoned recently. sometimes i feel like being talkative bt .. yeah. so i end up staring into space a lot. haha k im being incoherent. shall go do my math hmwk. sigh.

tings i miss you! i suddenly thought of your big hands. haha i want to hold! :(
k i sound les.
'off.

it only hit me today
you went away.

having a throbbing headache and caught the flu bug
so am very grouchy right now
+ feeling very alone despite everything
math test on tues and im lagging in econs.
- i only want to share one of those normal talks w tings that usually send us into peals of laughter and make me feel very contented after it all
- i only want to snuggle up to steph
- i only want to stitch with shuqi all over bishan, looking asbsolutely retarded but not giving an eff.
- i only want to back in nana's house w ree and nana laughing at nothing
- i only want to be out in town w the chanmalis

i only want so many things.
it suddenly hit me,
we're all going separate ways.
and im not in it.
i detest being ill.
i miss my hair.

went tanning and cut my hair today..
maybe ths explains why im feeling so weird now.
like im not living in my own body. haha i sound inane. like those lit big names tht went a bit haywire.
anw, my torso is beet red frm all tht sunburn..the bikini covered areas are like WHITE compared..seriously. the colours on the singapore flag are formed on my body. anw my hair is shoulder length..SHORT! i miss my long tresses. yes, they were growing out of shape and bushy..but i ws very attached to it lahh. havent had such short hair since sec3. i think im jst pmsing. getting very pissed and upset easily recently.
oh well.
mm, had a mellow and serene day w steph..we were being very serangoon-y..haha. took some photos, i miss her a lot :( i miss shuqi too..without their corniness everyth feels incomplete. sigh.
ahh. im feeling very strange right now!! yikes. i need some good retail therapy. i dont think evn shopping will help. i knw, i jst wnt to talk to tings.

here i go, scream my lungs out
to try to get to you
you are my only one.

ahh. im so slow. today i jst found out smth abt BND. smth really duh.

but anw. tdy ws SUCKY. lessons ended at 530!!!!! i cant believe i jst went through tht..and we had the worst pe evr today. though it ws qt fun. bt i shall choose to pretend i hated it. had to like, bend in an awkward postion w legs wide open across the sides to HOP from the beginning of ths GROSSGROSSGROSS canal or longkang or whtever to the end! and it got increasingly smaller. and im claustrophobic!! wnted to die. and thr was like, god knows wht in thr. millipedes and SPIDERS. omg..!! we emerged w lots of Very hardened cobwebs in our hair. thts how bad it was. and the tunnel/canal/longkang thingy ws so freaking dark!! if nt for amanda's hand i woulda gotten lost..were screaming like nuts in tht compact area..when we saw tht ray of light and lush greenery frm afar we were like WE'RE REACHING WE'RE REACHING!! sheesh. and thr ws more military pe ltr on..too lazy to elaborate. haha. it sounds so OMG bt it ws actually kinda fun. hahah. i know. madness.

anw. i guess today i saw some..stuff in my clsmates tht i havent seen since day2 when orientation with them began. so :) still trying, but really glad to say things are getting better.

steph i dont care YOU BETTER SHOW ME THE LETTER!! nth will be too depressing dear. i went through my downestestest nt long ago..so nth can be too negative for me. haha. and jst ystd i ws really hurt and all :( omg. are you sure..you cant eat 2.5kg of crackers! crackers are like, light as feather! aiyah you and your exaggerations..ive been eating a lot of chocolate too. and all my money is spent on like, eating. serious. and printing ridiculous chinese AO notes la. they dnt care whether we pass hchi for prelims, they still want us to take till our o levels results are out! wht rubbish right! so annoyed!! oh yeah you got my letter right? the old one tht i sent last year..sigh. the times when we were still unknowingly happy and contented in our comfy zone. before we were prey to the uncertainties of another new world. damn, yknw oliver james kps making me cry..!!? like so weird, one minute listening to the song and singing along then suddnly start crying. madness. I MISS EVERYTHING ABOUT ST NICKS. i dont evn mind st johns la pls. much less your band. haha anw youre in kayaking nw?!?! i kayaked last time for st johns and it ws SO tiring. omg. i dno abt vj bt cj canoeing is lyk damn damn damn tough..!! like a thousand times worse thn my pe tdy. (read above!! seriously sucks. my legs were gna give way. half an hour in tht freaking stinky canal w spiders hanging over our heads or centipedes crawling abt we wont knw anw cos it ws pitch black..and my legs were like, in half split position throughout hopping and hopping, trying to get out. othr clses were playing captain's ball happily on the nice green flat field.) anw why you nvr join dance? always thought you could dance well. bt haha fit is good!! :D bt you really hv to let it go and try to adapt..its only less thn 2 mths left..you still hv shuqi and kermin and everyth..you still hv me!! i used to dwell A LOT, thinking hw inferior ths ws to st nicks and hw my state ws beyond pathetic and i'd go to school really really upset and crying everyday ALONE..yeah so sad right. i'd miss tings a lot. really a lot la. nvr felt ths way before. bt everyone tld me only i determine the situation im in..and after i tried talking to them and opening up, things started getting better. really! i used to think everyone ws weird and tht theyre all so different frm the friends i had but after a while i realised maybe they thought i ws weird cos i ws the only one w tht long face and mouth kpt shut every day. jst try to make the best out of the situations and accept the way things hv turned out to be..and nw practically everyone is ok! theyre really nice. of course there are v argh times bt i guess its part and parcel..dnt nd to hv really close friends la..jst get along and all. ok bt i guess i really dnt hv the right to tell you to try to adapt and whtever like i tried to cos your situation might be different frm mine..dnt be too upset k..lots of ppl love you silly girl. yeah havnt heard frm you for a week+!!!!!!! thought youre qt happy alr. sigh. really hope you'd be alright..cos i ws reallyreallyreally upset too. no matter what yknw im only a call/msg away..i'll always be thr for you, to catch you when you fall! ths is lyk so michelle branch. bt anw catch up soon!!!!! i miss you too!!! a lot!!!! bt you always stp msging aft a while :( ooh its ryan cabrera nw. sigh. reminisce the days whn we'd go your house during the hols and laze around. mm. anw ok ths weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! promise :)

1. i do nt portray you as someone insenstive, heartless.
2. i do nt portray you as someone brand conscious or whatever.
3. i spend every single day missing you

and youre damn pissed with me behind my back and everything.
i reread my words and i knw now it sounds bad. bt i swear, those werent the intentions. i was jst merely saying.
i thought i only had you.
but i was wrong.
i just found out i have nothing. nothing at all.

this is a thousand times worse thn a thousand orientation days at cj.
this is indescribable.
what are best friends for?
yknw you can tell me anyth to my face. (ok maybe nw we cant do it face to face bt still. you can tell me.) and on my birthday?
you dont knw how you hurt me to find things out ths way.

youre a flower in my hair.

How I wish,
How I wish you were here,
We're a world of lost souls,
swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground,
what have we found?
the same old fears,
I wish you were here.
-googoo dolls.

realised i hvnt been blogging about wht ive been doing recently..erm recall..
backtrack to tues ; dear sis came cj to pick me up..haha due to the trauma the prev day. so sweet huh :) thn err had taka food w her+eugene. weds ; dance, horrid. thurs ; met up w dinah+mina! wyn crashed mi so she came along w dinah for a while. had unbelievably HOT sizzling hot ramen at cine then watched fockers. so lame, the show. martha focker. hahah. fri ; dance again, supp to meet aileen aft tht bt didnt..sorry! sat ; towned w dinah+da..mina cldnt make it :( were v stony and moody. da tried to lighten the mood bt hah. we were incorrigible. walked around and blah. bought yet anothr mango tee and an electric blue spag..its too friggin bright. gonna exchange it for smth else tmrw. then went kino..blahblah.

and tdy, yawn. jst did math hmwk. got an lit essay to pen :|
sigh. school rocks ah.

or am i standing still
beneath the darkened sky
or am i standing still
with the scenery flying by
or am i standing still
out of the corner of my eye
was that you
passing me by

:) ive nvr felt so tired yet contented (quite)..jc life is busybusybusy! ok i still town but the thing is, every minute is really spent doing something. err. yea, stoning, singing, talking and checking out * included, but yea. seriously occupied also la. mm, maybe after 2 years of being in cj, i wont hv flabby thighs anm. all tht pe! :|

aights. i kinda like my clsmates! :) and i love da, mina, dinah, yins, ree, nana! :D thanks for being thr for me whn i ws unbearably pessimistic. ive nvr felt closer to you guys. and of cos, my terribly sympathetic best friend tings, youre being perpetually missed.. :( :( :( :(

yay! my days are getting better :)

thanks to all! hehe. nana told me 'see! chey. you ah, v irritating!'
i'll box her very soon.

'you are bored, i am card, together we are cardboard' -eugene
:|

kinda like my clsmates now :) bt im damn worried tht things will screw up again..cos i think my words and thoughts are jinxed..lyk whn i think things are good, the next day things get really fucked all over again. ok touch wood..

ok pe ws lyk..pui. were supp to run for 20mins non stop!! nuts. ran 10 rounds. which is lyk 3.3km, if im nt wrong. i cant believe it! ive nvr ran so much bfore in my entire life. and the GST and push ups are really getting to me. our tcher has a habit of singing to himself whn he gets us to hold on in tht push up position. faints. aching all ovr nw. oh yea and aft pe everyone sitting around my area suddenly will smell lyk oceanus. take my body spray la..haha. and thr ws dance jst nw..damn screwed!! hahah. rubbishy..bt mich chow ws lyk freaking good. n ooh think da got in the syf! yay! congrats girl. and the nudgenudge thing tht you found out is lyk, so sweet!! aww..hahah.

and i ws half blind the whole day..one side of my contacts were irritating me so i threw it on the floor.


cj is obsessed w pe. i hv pe consecutively for 3 days..thrs still tmrw to anticipate. ha ha..
:|

steph sigh. long story. tell you anothr day whn we FINALLY meet..been so long! too long! ..cross stitch is so ystd. and besides, im in a v poor condition. yknw whn i sneeze of laugh my rib cage area hurts lyk hell. freaking pe. situps and everyth. ive nvr bn more sporty i tell you. IVE always been the weak tofu!! so hw's sch nw? better right? i love you too! miss you a lot a lot a lot a lot. a lot. ):

jolene heyy. haha no la. the cls seems to be better everyday :) thanks for everyth ah. shit, dance ws horrid. need to hole up in a corner and nvr come out..haha. psst. tell you abt * tmrw. shhh. hahah.

sq momsie!! i miss you alot -sniffs. hahahha. MATH TOYS. i see. haha my cls is ok la..bad day tht day. tell you anothr day! yea we GOTTA meet! k? looove. (:

im talking to tings online now. we're having a v nice conversation on *. excpt she kps insisting tun is better. ok inside joke. off! :)

for tings

Sunday morning rain is falling
Steal some covers share some skin
Clouds are shrouding us in moments unforgettable
You twist to fit the mold that I am in
But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
And I would gladly hit the road get up and go if I knew
That someday it would lead me back to you
That someday it would lead me back to you

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

Fingers trace your every outline
Paint a picture with my hands
Back and forth we sway like branches in a storm
Change the weather still together when it ends

That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning
And I never want to leave

But things just get so crazy living life gets hard to do
Sunday morning rain is falling and I'm calling out to you
Singing someday it'll bring me back to you
Find a way to bring myself back home to you

And you may not know
That may be all I need
In darkness she is all I see
Come and rest your bones with me
Driving slow on Sunday morning

that may be all i need.

ok i hv abso fucking lutely no comments about my day.
maybe jst more negative feedbacks.
guess im back to the cry-everyday cycle.
i swear, i never thought things could be ths bad. talked to people. thanks for cheering me up when i needed you guys..you all rock.
and GET THIS. if you dont understand me and that im going through a horribly rough patch, jst back off. i dont need your comments about how i seem to attend a triple science cls in sec school filled w nerds cos im so quiet and dont share the same level of humour (your i------- jokes). everybody is different. and i dont understand you. but you dont see me asking you why youre such a..whatever, do you? i really dont need this. we're of different wavelength, frequency, whatever. ok i believe ive said enough. shall stop right here bfore i get more pissed and get more critical.
whatever.
good day.

outrageous, so contagious.

heh. ok i change my mind..cj is really quite okay. cos my clsmates are really nice and all. i shall try to fit in and stop whining..let's jst say tht previous concerns shall not be as paramount. aiya. im jst being caught in a paradox.
anyway. ystd went out w da and friends..ws qt fun. in a mellow way. i suck at all arcade games la. so embarassing, losing like every game. anw. caught up w freda kwokie dsf..she and her eye candy :| youre seriously unstraight, girl. mpfh, sleepy and tired.
BUT! still gonna meet xin and the rest ltr :)

happy 17 bday dinah. i love you!

i miss everyone. ltr ltr.
ooh, saw pic of st nicks cheer squad in the mpr in the newsppr. haha i even miss the mpr! lame..but yea. rmb hw sports day used to be. screaming and jumping and all. i'd be cheering for st nicks damn willingly now. so weird to say cj rocks when i dont completely sing the same tune..
tsk, cant believe seed of chucky is m18. when i turned 16, i thought pg freak was over. hello nc16. but apparently..times have progressed :|

jolene heyy. obliged to write positive stuff abt our cls nw tht youre signing my gbk. haha kidding. anwayyy. thanks dear :) you made me smile lahh. haha.

damn worn out but still came online!
ok my rantings sounded so pathetic. but yea im glad to say this entry carries a lighter note..came to realise tht my cls is actually ok la..jst cldnt adapt at the beginning. but still. damn sad tht thr are no girly girls in my cls. oh well. at least everyone is nice. including the facilitator (who's also hunky btw haha) and people are damn lame. and through ths ive become less anti-nerds and racist. BUT STILL. no girly girls. its really damn saddening. nobdy to shop with :( or talk to. bt nvm. i shall resume my own girliness. thrs ths cute j2 guy :) hehe. nothing is gonna stop me..! frm being girly, tht is. sigh. how life changes within a few months. i cant believe it, i really cant. i miss tings a lot. hell damn lot. no one knows how much. i can like, cry anytime when i think about it. which is damn stupid and sad la. bt i cant help it. sigh.
anw. im now known as tweety..cos of ths performance. i hope i wsnt too sucky cos the mask ws huuuge. i cldnt see properly. skipping about randomly. reminds me of brownian motion. hahaha. ok i miss secondary school life. i miss st nicks. fucken much.

life..has never been worse.
i find myself crying every single fucking day ever since day 1 of the orientation. i miss huang weiting and all my friends and st nicks and my whole class (yes including jam..im sorry ive been mean..i love you now) like damn fucking much. and i have NO appetite at all ever since day 1. believe it or not, today i only ate 1/3 of a plate of fried noodles, 2 cans of green tea and breakfast at home. and now i dont even feel like eating dinner. stomach just stopped feeling hunger at all. i think im gonna shrivel up and die soon. i havent laughed, as in REALLY SO FUNNY kinda laughter since god knows when. i havent had a girly talk since monkey years ago. i havent discussed about books, makeup, clothes, cute guys, tv shows, since forever. i havent gossiped about anyone or anyTHING. i didnt even complain about my nails breaking. not a squeak. i didnt even think about being flat chested till like, now, when im thinking what i havent been doing. i havent had a nice talk. i havent been to town though my school is fucking near. ive been going home alone every single fucking day. i havent felt AT ALL any teeny weeny bit of ease in the school unlike st nicks. i havent hugged anyone for decades. i got into trouble on the 2nd day of school cos i was TALKING. as in huge trouble. cos i was talking. WOW, IM SORRY FOR TALKING..i hate the way things are now. i can see that the facilitators are trying to spice things up but i dont see what the fuck is so fun about cj. i really dont. im not, i reitarate, im not having a good time. at all. all ive achieved are blisters on my feet and cuts on my fingers from kayaking. i spend every day getting worn out and being busy doing NOTHING THAT I LIKE AT ALL. i mean, people are nice and all but..its just not the same. every day i sit with my class keeping quiet and laughing when appropriate. and as i can see, everyone else is having fun. well, good for you. i feel like dying. no kidding. so yea, have a great time man.

first day

was boring boring boring..admin stuff. mass dance ws horrid. think my partner (hes a guy) danced better than me..i shall go hole up in a corner. ws too sleepy w a headache to evn open my eyes..sigh. shoulda tried to sleep early and wake up early in the hols lyk a nutcase..prob is i cant sleep early anm..sigh. shall force my eyes shut..btw btw IM TALKING TO TINGS!! online :) teehee. made my day. or my night. whtever. -grins! sigh i miss her. lyk damn fucken a lot. feeling lyk a little junior loser in the new school. though its nt intimidating or anyth. i want st nicks!! i want my life back to normal. ths is very sucky. oh well. hope tmrw will b better..see ya'll..at the bus stop :( mm, shall try to stop being morbid and depressing..i cant live without tings to gossip with..life is meaningless.. :(

HAPPY 2005!! (:

blogged that title last night..i mean, this morning when i reached home..too tired to blog more so i went to sleep..haha continuation now! 2pm. anw, was really fun, counting down with da, mina, dinah, jade then yimin joined us ltr..(she actually cabbed frm the airport aft landing from some other country!) haha. sprayed like nuts la. screaming and laughing. was still damn psyched till i fell asleep.

anyway. thurs was spent with ree!! i love that girl to bits and pieces! haha tht reminds me of the shop bits and pieces. we bought earrings!! cheaper than that stupid heeren pok shop which conned innocuous me. hmrpf. cunning and sly. and we also went nuts in borders..books galore!! bought 2 gossip girls and pride and prejudice..and i jst realised i bought book 1 and 4 of gossip girls! and nw tht im done w book 1 i cant go on and read book 4 cos tht'll be like, jumping. grr. feeling cheated nw. shall go get books 2 and 3. and the worst thing is tht its nt even fantastic..prefer shopaholic and all. the contents seem childish, as in, like, quite lame..but i still wanna read! bad bad..anw we were so poor we could only gaze longingly at the books we wanted..haha 50bucks for a book, im not up to it, sadly. rather spend it eating or at the mango sale. haha cos the thing about books is tht you cant tell if its genuinely good. as in, looks can be deceiving! waste of money la. nvr judge a book by its cover. and nowadays all those paperbacks are so pretty..haha. k, im on a roll.

thrs stacie oricco on the radio ; i promise. reminds me of steph. and then i remember : school's starting in 2 days!! ugh. grr. stomach's knotted with dread..eh. why stomach? and not, like brains knotted with dread? think my brains have been knotted enough. all that cramming for the o's. or maybe theyve already unknotted themselves after 1.5months of a stress-free lifestyle..haha im so crappy. suddenly recall how i stuffed myself ystd. ws eating 24/7. ate breakfast at around 12, ate lunch at delifrance w sis at 2+, then when i wenta meet mina syl and da, ate gelato ice cream (this reminds me! i bought tht on thurs w ree and freaking dropped it on the taka grid tiles after a few steps from the shop. traumatised.) then macs fries (was sneakily stuffing a fry by a fry into my mouth while the others pooled..) ..then a bite of mina's taiwanese sausage..then BIGG meal at subway!! yea, had lotsa tomatoes and turkey ham and breast and lettuces and bread ystd..thn aft tht i swore off food cos my stomach ws completely bloated. butt!! broke a bit of the subway cookie and made a wrong choice of putting it in my mouth..been eating tht ever since. irresistable la. couldnt stop..btw subway has really huuge and yummylicious cookies. cheapp also. ooh. as you can conclude, im such a pig. gonna balloon up like someone we saw in town soon.

gonna change my layout soon!! i like this one, but i dont like it enough to not change it. haha. whatever wendy.

mm, was reading the paper jst nw, and i started crying! i didnt even know i was snifling away till i reached for a tissue. sigh. devastasting and depressing la, all the stuff that fill the newspapers now. the newspapers has become like, a stack of papers with informative orbituaries in coloured photos. disasters..tidal waves..fires..blah blah. feeling kinda safe here in little singapore. haha. but then again, you never know what can happen.

tsktsk.
off!
thts all ive got to say,
cant think of a better way.
thts all i have to say,
i love you, is tht ok?

la di da.
i hope this year would be good. really really hope!